Being Needed.

I recently had a long conversation with my sister in law, about everything and nothing - just one of those conversations where the topics flow from religion to love to work to terrible TV shows and everything in between. Somewhere within the conversation, I realized the answer to something that I've been struggling with for a long time. Being needed.

Everyone wants to be needed. In fact, I think we all need to be needed. Some people need to be needed more than others - it fills their "love tank" and makes them happy. One of my best friends is like that - she loves to be needed. If I'm being honest, I love to be needed too. It makes me happy to get a text from a friend asking me how to best shush and comfort their baby. I love to feel the sweet tiny hands of my toddler around my neck, when she comes in for a hug and asks me to read her a story in the evening. I love when my husband opens one sleepy eye in the middle of the night and asks me to just get the baby, because he just can't this time, even if it's his turn.

But tonight, I realized something I wish I would have realized a long time ago. We are needed - but perhaps not in the way that we want to be.

I married into one of the best families in the world. I remember on my wedding day, sitting while getting my hair done, watching my soon-to-be husband's little sisters, sitting together, talking and giggling about something, and thinking to myself how excited I was to finally be getting sisters. And not only was I about to get two sisters, but they were two of the most special people I'd ever met. I couldn't help but think about how I'd hoped that they would call me and tell me about their lives - how I'd get to help them through situations like break ups and friend drama, and how they would call me to tell me all the great news in their lives too - landing dream jobs and getting engaged. Looking back now though, that isn't how it unfolded. I found out about engagements via text message pictures of a gorgeous ring, and about break ups from my husband. They call each other about their joys and hardships - because they are sisters, and that is what sisters do. They let me in on their lives, talking about wedding plans when they come to visit, discussing job interviews and how to start a conversation with their parents that they just aren't sure will go over well, but they don't need me like I envisioned they would, and even though the relationships aren't what I expected as I sat there getting my hair done on my wedding day - I'm still needed. It's just not the "need" that I'd dreamed about on my wedding day. I'm needed, but as their sister in law. They know that I love them, and want the best for them, and that's enough.

I married a man who is fiercely independent. I think that he would say the same about me. We rely on each other heavily, but that independence has made us need people less. You see, Neil and I have figured out how to successfully care for our family within the walls of our family. Of course we need help sometimes, and have found ourselves a network of friend that I would consider family within our town that helps when needed. They are there to help when we need a hand with daycare pickup. They know the bedtime routines in our house and are willing to lend a hand when we are all together. And we know their kids and will lend a hand whenever we can - we bring meals to each other when times are busy and seem impossible. We offer to babysit when a spouse is out of town and maybe you just.need.another.hand.

On the flipside, having kids and living far from family has made me need my family more. I need them to love and care about my family, and I feel a strong urge to create as many memories and strengthen bonds as much as I can possibly cram into a 3-day weekend, or week-long holiday trip.

I watched my mother in law when she was in town for a visit recently, and just like me, she was struggling to find her place. She wanted her visit to be filled with purpose, make our lives easier for the short amount of time that she was in town, and was searching for every way to make that happen. I was desperate to ensure that Neil and I had created an environment where our kids would be able to spend as much time as possible with their grandparents, making memories and just having fun. But instead of being able to relax and really enjoy the weekend, I found myself edgy and on guard. I knew why I felt so annoyed, but wasn't sure how to express myself. Our need to be needed wasn't aligning.

I needed her to sit on my couch and laugh and joke, and tell me about her job stresses. I needed her to play with my kids, snuggle them, read them books and make memories. I needed her to get a pedicure with me and go shopping with me.

But I also needed her to respect the boundaries I've set for our kids. I needed her to know that mealtimes are done in a specific way in our house and be okay with living within those perimeters for a few days, even if you don't always agree with them. I needed her to know that we love to sit with our kids during meals and share the laughter and hear the funny conversation, but I also needed her to respect that we eat as a family, and don't give special treatment to our toddler just because she tells us she is hungry 10 minutes before meal time - she eats when and what we eat.

So tonight, after settling into bed, I find myself unloading all the thoughts swirling around in my head. I realized that we are all needed, perhaps just not in the way we want to be needed. As time carries on, relationships change, and perhaps one of the best ways to love those around you is to carefully examine the relationship, and understand how the other needs you.

I recently read an article that stuck with me for a long time. I even sent it to my husband to read, since I couldn't get it out of my mind. In the article, a mother writes about her mother in law - how her mother in law used to spoil her kids like crazy in so many ways, and it drove her crazy. But then, sadly, her mother in law passed away, and she realized that he kids didn't miss the gifts and the relaxed schedules, they missed her. They missed her grandmother. It hit home. I thought about my mom and dad, and how they were trying hard to make memories with their grandkids. That they wanted to make their time with my kids as special as possible, because they needed to cram as much love into three days as possible. Same for my in-laws. I realized that I need them to be needed, if that makes sense. I want them to make memories with their grandchildren. Not the memories that I want them to have, but their memories with their grandkids. The gifts that grandparents bring when they visit - the things that they know mom and dad probably won't buy. The silly toys that get busted out of their package as soon as possible, because they need those memories too. Baking in the kitchen with grandma, playing out in the sandbox with papa. The good stuff, right?

Right then and there, I made a vow to myself to just allow them to be needed to. I don't need to be everything to my kids. And I need to stop worrying so much about schedules and mealtimes and bedtimes - I know I'm a good mom, and they know I'm a good mom. And maybe sometimes, it's okay to need them a little bit too.